Let go. When in Doubt, chase the next dream. Most of all, have faith.
I have a problem, one of my negative character traits, if you will. Once I find something good, I dread letting it go. Be it a place, a person, or a new way of life. I just want to hold on to it for dear life. I’m always afraid it will never get better. I’m always terrified that this friend or this job or this home is the best it’s ever going to get for me. Not true, obviously.
“That depth of emotion you feel as the sun sets over it, shooting out rays of color that we attempt to describe, but never succeed. That’s what i’m losing here. Guy? What guy? What man could compare to this?”
You know that feeling you get after a breakup? You really loved this guy but it just didn’t work out. Life got in the way. You wanted different things. That’s how I feel right now, except the guy is not actually a guy. The guy is scuba diving. The guy is the big, beautiful, amazing ocean. That incredible blue that can never be recreated, but always changing. That depth of emotion you feel as the sun sets over it, shooting out rays of color that we attempt to describe, but never succeed. That’s what i’m losing here. Guy? What guy? What man could compare to this? Holding back tears, I think back upon the past 7 months. Who out there is as lucky as me? I think back to the last time my heart hurt like this. It was when I left my home. I left my man. I left my friends and family. I was so scared that I was making a mistake. I was terrified of the unknown. But look what became of it. I’ve had a front row seat to the transformation of myself into the kind of person that I idolize. Pride surges through me as I think of the things i’ve accomplished. The only way it happened is by me blatantly looking my fear in the eyes and telling it to get lost. The fact that I am aware of my “letting go” problem is what makes the difference. I acknowledge it. I look it in the eye for a long minute. Then turn my back on it and push the fear and anxiety away, making room for my adventurous spirit to come have a seat next to me. We get along quite well. We have a cool handshake and everything.
I left everything I knew, moved over 9,000 miles away from home, with the faith that something amazing was going to happen to me. Surprise surprise, it did! I literally had no idea what would happen. I just sold everything and bought a ticket. Here I am again, nine months and a completely different occupation later. Selling everything and buying another ticket. I can’t stop at my first milestone. Yes, i’ve accomplished a lot. But is this enough? No. I still need more. I still want more. I want to be more amazing. I want to be more spiritual. I cant wait to meet my future teachers. I want to be taught so many things, all over the world.
Don’t get me wrong, I still worry. I’m not fond of that emotion, but I have yet to get rid of it. Running around the world like this doesn’t allow me much stability. Stability is something that was pounded into me from birth, especially being from the south. Naturally, I still crave it. I worry that this life will never allow me to achieve it. My temporary solution is to just remind myself that I have plenty of time. I’ve also been told that meditation helps. Apparently if I learn to meditate, I can rid myself of worry. Meditation is high up on my list of things to learn. It’s a long freaking list, let me tell you.
I’ve been gifted with a realisation. I know what its like to truly love your job, that It’s not just a fairytale or something you only see in movies. I’m going to chase experiences all over the world that lead me to more hobbies and take all the amazing jobs I can find. I refuse to limit myself to just a few of them. It’s one big, amazing, and achievable dream! All in search of a dream job, a dream life, a dream family. At present, I don’t have enough knowledge or information to make that decision. But I plan to spend the next few years figuring it out.
“You learn how to be strong when you’re sick of being weak.”-Skinny Living (a band)
I will miss the breathtaking sunrises, sunsets, and stars, that the open ocean has magnified.
Until next time,
XOXO Claire Gilbert